Supernatural Recap: “The Born-Again Identity”

Alright, you guys, let me start this off with an important disclaimer: this is not going to be a blog exclusively about Supernatural. “But, Katie,” you say, “you haven’t updated your blog in months and now suddenly you’re posting your third Supernatural-related blog in twenty-four hours.” Yes, I know how it looks, but you’re just going to have to trust me. I do have other interests, and I’m sure you do as well. However, I’ve decided to start recapping Supernatural each week, and in the interest of timeliness, I thought I should get this one up ASAP. Kindly bare with me.

And now, to the episode.

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Ooh-wee, Lucifer! Your enthusiasm for your materrial does not match the response it is getting!

“The Born-Again Identity” starts with a “previously on,” but sadly, it is not set to Kansas’ “Carry On My Wayward Son.” It’s not even set to “You Shook Me All Night Long.” What a waste. This “previously on” includes a clip of nobody’s favorite one-liner: Lucifer shouting, “Good morning, Viet Nam” into Sam’s ear as Sam’s entire body catches on fire (symbolically?) Does anybody understand this moment? It’s bizarre. That unpleasantness is in the past, however, as is, apparently, Lucifer saying to Sam, “You wanted me, partner.” Are Sam and Lucifer going through a rocky divorce? At least since Sam got married to Becky awhile back Lucifer doesn’t have to pay alimony anymore, right? I am also realizing that I do not understand this whole Lucifer-in-Sam’s-head storyline at all. Castiel caused Lucifer to be in Sam’s brain? Lucifer’s not really there? Why are we so sure of that? Lucifer might actually be there, you guys. I don’t even remember him dying. It’s not fair of everyone to just assume Sam’s crazy.

And now it’s the present!

Sam runs down the street, looking handsomely disoriented. He bumps into some guy who calls him a dick. He runs into a scary alleyway where a very groomed-looking drug dealer tells him he needs to get the hell out of here. It always surprises me that onlookers and passersby aren’t always super-nice to the Winchesters. How can anyone stand to be rude to someone so handsome and nicely shaped?

Lucifer– who Great Gazoo-style, can only be seen by Sam– pops up to taunt Sam as he tries to carry on a civilized conversation with this man whose leather jacket is too shiny and whose hair is too gelled for him to really be up to no good. Seriously, the guy looks like a damn Backstreet Boy. He’s not even at an AJ level of scary. He’s maybe a Kevin. MAYBE. “You’d be sleeping by now if the devil would just leave you alone for five seconds,” says Lucifer. “Stupid Satan.” You read my mind, Lucifer! I was just thinking those very words. There is something going on with Mark Pellegrino, who plays Lucifer, this episode. It looks to me like his eyes are never quite focused where they should be, like when you can really tell someone on SNL is heavily relying on the cue cards. I actually have a fair amount of fondness for Marky P, despite my problems with Lucifer, and I’m feeling a bit concerned for him. In the dark alleyway, drug-dealing Joey Fatone is suddenly very worried about Sam’s well-being, so maybe Sam’s beauty actually is helping him out. “Oh, I’m sorry, sir, there was a shadow on your face when I told you to get the hell out of here and I didn’t realize how excellent your bone structure is. I do apologize. Come right in.” He can tell Sam’s been up for days, I guess because drug dealers are good at spotting that kind of thing, and kindly offers to knock him out with drugs. I don’t doubt that the dealer means this as an act of kindness, but I am also positive he plans on fucking unconscious Sam.

Cut to Sam and drug dealer sleeping peacefully in a car together.  Is it the Impala? I can’t be sure. And what went down between those two? I wish I knew! I am so happy that Sam is actually sleeping, but of course Lucifer pops up to ruin everything by singing, “Good morning to you, good morning to you, our day is starting, good morning to you.” Is this a song that exists, or does Lucifer just compose little jingles? It would be kind of cute if he’d always wanted to be a musician and this was his only outlet for it. Lucifer says the sentence, “I’m inside you,” and I am disgusted at the giggle of pure delight that escapes my throat before I can stop it. I find Lucifer terribly unattractive, even, but I am only human! Sam flees, and Lucifer follows him, babbling uninteresting, barely sensical Luciferisms. This guy is one weird dude. Sam is desperate to get away from Lucifer, as are we all, so much so that he doesn’t see the car coming as he runs into the street and oh no Sam look out! The car hits him and he rolls over the hood. Better than under the tires, I guess. I’m a glass half full kind of lady!

In a hospital, Dean is too manly and concerned about his brother to let hospital formalities slow him down, and he barges into some doctor’s office to give him what for. The doctor informs him that Sam was admitted for a cracked rib and some lacerations but is now in the psychiatric ward because he’s kind of having a major psychotic break. Bummer.  The doctor also tells Dean that they’ve pumped Sam full of sedatives but he still won’t go under.

In Sam’s room, Lucifer is blabbing away at Sam while playing with a cat’s cradle, because Lucifer is me circa 1997. Dean enters, and Lucifer refers to him as “Mr. Helpless.”  As cute a nickname as that is, it’s blatantly inappropriate, and I think Lucifer can do better. Dean tells Sam he’s going to get him help, and Sam immediately says that won’t work because faith healers are all frauds. Um, Dean never said anything about faith healers, buddy. I don’t know why you went straight to that. Dean angrily tells Sam to stop being so resigned and start getting mad. Sam says he’s too tired, and besides he doesn’t think there’s a cure for acute Luciferitis. Sam and Dean look at each other sadly and have a moment. Then Lucifer points out that they’re having a moment and ruins it.

Dean goes through all the contacts he can find in Bobby’s stuff in hope of finding somebody who can help. Maybe he should try looking in the phone book under “Satan repair.”

In the hospital, the doctor from earlier walks in and asks Sam to rate his pain on a scale from one to ten, then turns into Lucifer and says he’s gonna torture him. Was that whole ruse really necessary, Lucifer? What did that really accomplish? At least when Sam tries the silent treatment, Lucifer tells him to fight back and makes cute little fisticuffs at him. I don’t think much is cute as far as Lucifer goes, but I’m a sucker for fisticuffs.

Awhile later, Sam bites in a sandwich and bam: maggots. I think this show is single-handedly keeping the maggot wranglers of Vancouver in business. As Sam drops his sandwich and recoils, a cute girl stops in the door of his room, just to look at him, I guess. I get it. Sam’s a looker. She has a bandage on her neck, so I immediately think, “Vampire! This chick’s a ticking vampire time bomb!” If only Sam had as much foresight as me.

Back at Bobby’s, Dean gets a call from a hunter who tells him about a healer named Emanuel who is incredibly powerful. Dean seems to immediately think this information is extremely significant. Good instincts, I guess?

At the hospital, Neck Bite Girl brings Sam a candy bar to try and make friends. Sadly, Lucifer has gotten his hands on a megaphone, so his particular brand of comedy is now being broadcast at ten times the volume. Uggggh. Lucifer shouts in Sam’s ear as he reaches for the candy bar and he flinches violently, making him look crazy in front of his new friend, who turns and runs away. Thanks a lot, Lucifer.

Dean knocks on the door of a cute little suburban house and some dude who introduces himself as Emanuel steps out. Dean is just about to state his business when he glances through the living room curtains and sees a woman bound and gagged inside. Seriously, dude? You’re just gonna leave the curtains ajar when you’re in the middle of a hostage situation? The guys eyes turn all black so we know he’s a demon. Demon-guy shoves Dean, and Dean reminds him that newly-crowned-king-of-Hell Crowley doesn’t want demons fucking with the Winchesters while they’re in the process of hunting down season villain Dick Roman. The mere mention of Crowley sends my heart aflutter. Maybe my one true love will appear this episode. True, I didn’t see Mark A. Sheppard in the credits, but I’m not a credit-reading machine, I could have just missed it! Come on, Crowley, no whammy no whammy big money big money! Demon guy laughs and says, “What have you done for him lately?” I getcha, demon guy. Read you loud and clear. I know what Crowley’s after. A little quid pro quo, maybe? A little “you scratch my back I scratch yours”? A little “Dean blowing the devil in exchange for protection”? Demon-guy says, “Whatever Emanuel is, Crowley’s gonna want him. A lot more than he wants you these days.” I love it when the dialogue sounds like it’s very straightforwardly about gay sex, although I think we can all agree that this is a bluff, since what could Crowley possibly want more than he wants perfect-male-specimen Dean Winchester? Dean stabs demon guy with his demon-stabbing knife ’cause, you know, why wouldn’t he? That’s kind of why he has it. Demon guy rolls down the fronts steps of the house and lands at someone’s feet.  The camera pans up a little, but we can still only see the lower half of this person’s body, which happens to be very shapely. “Is that a chick or a guy with a nice ass?” I ask my roommate. “I hope it’s a guy with a nice ass!” “I hope it’s Cas!” she says. Two seconds later we see that, yes, it is Cas, and you would not believe the squeals of pure joy that escape my roommate and me. I actually flip myself onto my back and kick my feet in the air, like that Molly Shannon character who was always saying, “I love it I love it I love it.” My roommate’s boyfriend politely refrains from expressing verbally the disgust I am almost certain he is feeling. Dean looks understandably shocked as this dude, who is either Castiel or Jimmy’s twin brother, says, “Who was that?” Commercial break!

Back from commercial, “Emanuel” and Dean are inside the house, untying the hostage girl. Emanuel and this chick are getting a little handsy, which leads me to suspect that this guy is not Castiel since I am 100% positive Castiel is gay. I know, I know, I say that about nearly all the characters on this show, but that’s only because nearly all the characters on this show are gay. Emanuel thanks Dean for protecting his wife. Wife! Yeah, no way is this Castiel. Emanuel is shocked to hear that demons walk the earth, further evidencing him not being Cas.

Hospital! Sam lays in his hospital bed, either sleeping or trying to sleep, and is rudely awakened by the sounds of “Wake Up Little Susie” followed by some annoying popping noises. Then we see that Lucifer is sitting next to a stereo and throwing those mini-fireworks that make a little pop noise when you light them. Who is giving Lucifer this stuff?! Lucifer talks some shit about Sam, who lies there sadly and tries, along with the viewing audience, to just pretend Lucifer’s not there. Sam asks the orderly who brings his food in about pretty-probably-going-to-be-a-vamp-soon girl. Orderly says he’s not allowed to talk about it, but unlike Sam she didn’t get there because of an accident. Sam lays down and tries to go to sleep, but of course, Lucifer has an endless supply of firecrackers, so that’s not happening.

As Dean drives toward the hospital, Emanuel tells him that several months ago his now wife found him naked and confused in the river and took him in. Dean asks who gave him the name Emanuel, to which Emanuel– who, it’s now pretty clear, is actually Castiel– replies, “BouncingBabyNames.com.” Aw. Can I just say, good for that lady! I think we all dream of finding a naked Misha Collins and taking him home to be ours forever. I bet she picked all of his clothes, too. His ensemble is not what I would have chosen, but I’m not an outdoorsy born-again Christian. A quietly fuming Dean says that it must be weird not knowing who you are and asks Castiel, “What if you were some kind of bad guy?” Since Castiel seems to fall pretty far to one side of the autism spectrum and has never had a talent for reading faces, he does not notice the emotions Dean is clearly experiencing and calmly replies that he doesn’t feel like a bad person.

In the hospital, Sam is making just the saddest little face. Poor baby. At least for the moment Lucifer’s nowhere to be found. Lovely Neck Wound Girl pops up again and offers Sam another candy bar. Sam invites her to stay and split it. Sam and this girl have a conversation about how depressed she is, and I start thinking, “Hey, Sam looks extra handsome right now.” The moment I think that, my roommate says, “Ew, when Sam doesn’t pay attention to his grooming he starts to look more like Lucifer.” Uh oh. Only one of us can be right here, since “handsome” and “looks like Lucifer” are mutually exclusive. The subject of conversation turns to Sam hearing voices, and Neck Bandage reveals that she, too, hears a voice- the voice of her dead brother. Oh. So it’s a ghost thing, not a vampire thing. I guess to be fair, sometimes people in the real world injure their necks, and it’s not always vampire-related. You just get used to watching supernatural dramas and thinking of neck wounds as shorthand for “Vampire Alert!” Well, way to keep my on my toes, Supernatural. This certified non-vampiress tells Sam that her dead brother was the one who started the fire that got her into the hospital. Sam’s reaction to this is very understanding, but Sister of A Ghost still gets defensive and yells at Sam about how he’s even crazier than her so he can’t judge. I think you’re projecting, sweetheart. She stomps toward the door, but Sam stops her by reiterating that he doesn’t think she’s crazy, and tells her that he can help.

Castiel asks Dean what his brother’s diagnosis is and Dean tells him it’s not exactly a medical thing. Castiel says, that’s fine, he can cure spiritual ailments as well. Dean starts bitterly talking about how this dude he used to know (It’s Castiel everybody, he’s talking about Castiel to Castiel but Castiel doesn’t know it. Oh, dramatic irony is so delicious!) broke his brother’s head. Cas asks if this “Dude” was a friend who betrayed him, and my heart melts at Cas’ awkward use of the word “dude.” Dean gives Cas the angriest, saddest look I have ever seen. I am in awe of Jensen Ackles’ acting. It is not fair for one man to be so talented and also so beautiful. There must be something off about Jensen that cancels this stuff out, right, like wicked B.O. or a secret life as a serial killer? No mere human can be this perfect. As I wipe some of the Jensen-inspired drool form my chin, Cas asks whether Dean killed his traitorous friend, adding, “I sense that you kill a lot of peopole.” You need to recalibrate your angel-senses, Cas. How many actual people has Dean killed? He just kills monsters and stuff. That doesn’t count! Ooh, but I guess there’s a live person inside most demons. You got me there, Castiel. That’s a pretty high body count. Dean skirts the issue of whether he’s a murderer by saying, “Honestly, I don’t know if he is dead.” Then, he reveals that he’s always been able to shake the bad stuff off with time, but says, “What Cas did… I just can’t. I don’t know why.” Cas tells Dean he’s not a machine, he’s a human, then smirks a little and says, “Your friend’s name was Cas? That’s an odd name.” This tickles me deep down, in places I didn’t even know where ticklish. Sometimes it’s the little things, you know? Based on Dean’s face, he is less amused than I. I suppose I get it.

Dean pulls up to a convenience store and tells Cas to wait in the car. As he’s looking at the beers in the fridge (was he seriously making a beer stop on the way to curing Sam? Not appropriate, Dean! There will be time for beer when your brother isn’t being tortured by the devil), he sees the reflection of a guy coming towards him and immediately pulls out his demon-stabbing knife and kills him. Lucky for Dean, this guy does turn out to be a demon, but I think Dean stabbed him before he could possibly have known that for sure. Maybe Cas had a point about Dean killing a lot of people! Another demon pops up and gets stabbed from behind. Dean says, “Emanuel, you son of a bitch,” which I think is an odd reaction to have when someone just saved you from a demon, but whatevs. The second demon falls to the ground, revealing that it’s not EmanuCas at all! It’s Meg! The demon! Surely you all remember Meg! God is she boring. I’m already pissed that they’re throwing Meg into what could have been a perfectly good episode, when she cements her place as my least favorite character ever by quipping, “Emanuel. Yeah, not so much.” Bleh. Don’t worry, guys, she has the perfect capper, “Dean, Dean, Dean. You got some ‘splaining to do.” WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? On top of everything, Rachel Miner’s performance is really weird in this episode. Her voice is very soft and monotonous. It’s almost like she’s just not acting at all. Did Robert Singer say something that offended her right before they started filming, so she decided to passive-aggressively ruin this episode? Also, she pronounces “Poof” weird. Not with a long “oo” sound, like in “boot” but with a short one, like in “foot.” It’s subtle, but boils my blood none the less. Dean and Meg have an argument about something that I am too bored to pay attention to, but at least they’re talking about Crowley. Crowley! Meg says something about how they have to keep Castiel away from Crowley and adds, “Imagine Crowley getting his hands all over helpless little amnesia-Cas.” As much as I do want to picture that, I am offended that she has tried to coin the term “amnesia-Cas.” A moment later, Dean also refers to Cas as helpless. I’m glad we’re agreed that losing his memory has rendered him powerless, despite the fact that he’s obviously still powerful and that’s the whole reason he’s here. I understand the temptation to think of Cas as helpless, though. He’s just so cute! Oh, who’s the cutest little angel! Yes you are, Castiel!

Dean brings Meg out to the car. Cas points out that, uh, this bitch is a demon, and Dean tells him nah, it’s cool, we’re just gonna work with this demon. Oh, Dean, the only demon you should be working with is Crowley. The two of you can work together to get your clothes off. I’m sorry, everybody! You don’t know what Crowley does to me! But I know what Crowley’s gonna do to Dean. Hey-o! Okay, I’m done. Sorry. Sorry. Anyway, Meg is part of the team, for now, I guess because she’s going to… help… kill… Crowley? I don’t know. Seems like it’d be easier to just kill her. The three of them get into the car (without any beer) and resume heading to the hospital.

Back at the hospital, Haunted Girl tells Sam about her dead brother, and he breaks the news that it’s a ghost. Casper’s Sister tells Sam her brother was cremated, but there’s a little bit of his blood on the bracelet she has on. Sam tells her that’s good. She rightfully asks how that can possibly be good, but Sam changes the subject by asking, “Is there any chance in hell you’ve got a lighter?” This whole ghost plot is very straightforward. I mean, I’m sure realistically the Winchesters would come across straightforward ghosts who don’t have anything fancy going on a lot, but usually the show only bothers to show us the cases that are exceptional for some reason. But I guess Sam is probably too tired to handle anything other than a run-of-the-mill ghost expulsion right now.

Back in the Impala, Cas points out that they seem to all be sitting in uncomfortable silence. Dean tells him Meg has that effect on people, and Castiel sympathetically says, “That must be difficult.” Cas, you are just too precious. I want to eat you up. Not in a scary Leviathan way. Meg patiently explains that it was a joke. Cas says, “Oh,” then pauses for a second, then chuckles a little. Dean looks irritated. Come on, Dean. I know you’re mad, but cute is cute.

At the hospital, Ghost Girl re-enters Sam’s room with a lighter. The way disheveled Sam perks up and eagerly says, “Nice! Where’d you score that?” reeeally makes him seem like a crackhead. Sam and his new gal pal start to make a circle out of salt, but Lucifer blows on it and wrecks it, so Sam tells the girl she has to do this by herself. Okay, I really don’t understand this whole Lucifer situation. He doesn’t really exist but he can still affect outside objects but only if Sam is using them? Whatever, my head hurts. It probably makes sense. Inside their salt-circle, Sam and his friend go through a pretty standard ghost-exorcizing scene. He burns the bracelet and luckily her brother didn’t have any DNA deposited anywhere else, because that does the trick and he disappears. When I write an episode of Supernatural, the ghost is going to be tied to this mortal plane by a a donation he made to a sperm bank. That’s my idea! No one take it! Let this recap stand as legal evidence! With Ghost Boy gone, Sam tells Human Girl she needs to get out of here. She does, and the doctor and orderly from earlier rush into Sam’s room a minute later, see the salt circle and the lighter, makes the obvious(?) judgement that he’s doing something terrible, and pin his arms behind his back. We fade out, then fade in on Sam laying on his bed with a doctor shining a flashlight in his eyes and asking how he feels, along with a stupid Lucifer making dumb comments about Sam’s soul and what have you. Sam glances at his fingernails, which are super messed up. When did that happen? I don’t recall him having to claw his way out of any coffins recently. The doctor says if they give Sam any more medication he may overdose, so they need to start considering surgical options. I tense up immediately as I picture the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. “Ooh, lobotomy?” Lucifer asks hopefully. What a dick. The doctor says, “Don’t worry, we’re not talking about a lobotomy,” as Sam’s eyes lose focus and we fade out again. I’m getting real real worried about this kid.

Dean, Castiel and Meg pull up outside the hospital, which is being guarded by a ton of patients and doctors. “Damn it, demons,” says Meg in the least emphatic voice you can possibly imagine. I would sound more distraught if I looked into a bag of Starbursts and said, “Damn it, only yellow ones left.” I swear this is not a part of Meg’s character. Something is going on with this actress. Her face looks more swollen than usual on top of everything else, so maybe she just got back from the dentist and is still kind of woozy?

Castiel asks how they’re supposed to get through all these demons. “Yeah, Dean, how could we possibly blast through all of those?” Meg asks, giving Dean a significant look. Dean pulls her aside so the grown ups can talk without Cas there and the two have a little argument about whether they should let Cas try to work his angel mojo. I am surprised at how anti-Cas-doing-his-thing Dean is, especially since Sam’s welfare is on the line. Dean seems to be concerned that attempting to get his angel on might injure or kill Cas. I don’t know why he thinks that, but I am relieved that he still cares about Castiel’s well-being. Cas has heard all of this, and in retrospect it was naive of Meg and Dean to think he wouldn’t. I mean, they’re only standing a few feet away from him, and the guy’s a damn angel. Castiel says, “I take it we know each other.” Meg interjects, “Just a dollop.” Maybe Meg-actress took her performance down a notch to protest how crappily her character is written this episode, because goddamn is that writing dumb. Cas asks them to tell him who he is and assures them he’ll be fine. Dean replies, “You don’t know that. You barely know yourself, I’ve known you for years.” It warms my heart that protecting Castiel is still a priority for Dean. I wouldn’t be able to stay mad, either. Look at Cas’s little face! Always helpful, Meg just spits it out and tells Cas he’s an angel and that he and Dean used to be best friends. Castiel is smarter than he looks! He puts two and two together and unhappily asks, “Am I Cas?” Meg tells him to stop blubbering and go kill some demons. Cas says he doesn’t remember how. Dean assures Castiel that it’s probably just like riding a bike, and Castiel says he doesn’t know how to do that either. This expression is such a filthy lie, anyway. I’ve forgotten how to ride a bike and had to relearn like three times. Cas starts smiting some demons, and somehow that jogs his memory about everything. We see some quick flashbacks, one of which shows Crowley smirking at the camera, looking dashing as always. Oh Crowley, my love. If only you weren’t fictional and the devil and I wasn’t a girl, we could make each other so happy. Now Castiel remembers everything. Bummer for him. Good time for a commercial break!

Back from the break, Castiel’s lip quivers and for a moment it looks like he might cry. I want so badly for him to cry! Come on, Cas. Just a single tear, that’s all I need. I will never understand the rush I get from watching the men of Supernatural weep, but I don’t need to understand it. I just need more tears. More. MORE. MORE!

Anyhoo, dry-faced and angry, Castiel wants to know why Dean didn’t tell him what he was earlier. It seems like he feels saving Sam is his duty and I feel certain he’s going to then rush inside and save him, but instead he says, “I shouldn’t be here,” and turns to go in the opposite direction. I don’t understand you, Castiel! Dean tells Meg to stay put and follows him.

Sam is strapped to a gurney and is being wheeled into another room as he starts to regain consciousness. I am 100% positive he did not consent to any surgery! What the hell is happening? The orderly from earlier puts a plastic thing in Sam’s mouth to stop him from biting through his tongue as he hooks him up to an electroshock therapy machine! Oh god no! This is going to get worse before it gets better! Orderly guy says they normally keep the voltage on that thing turned way down, then cranks it up high. I am so anxious at the possibility of Sam getting electrocuted and my jaw is clenched so tight that I wish I had one of those plastic things in my mouth.

Dean chases after Cas and tries to convince him to come back. Suddenly, Dean is very plaintive and Cas is very angry. When did this dynamic switch?! I guess Dean can only stay angry at you if you don’t express even the tiniest amount of remorse, say because you have no memories. The conversation between the two of them really gets away from me. Cas says, “I deserved to die. Now I can’t fix it, so why’d I even walk out of that river?” Dean replies to this series of words by saying, “Maybe to fix it.” Suddenly, Dean gets this “Eureka!” look on his face. “Wait!” he says as he opens the trunk of the Impala and takes out… Cas’ bloody old trench coat! That he apparently saved all these months! And that he is now offering to Cas for some reason! He solemnly holds the coat out to Cas. For a second I expect Cas to say, “Well, uh, that’s just a coat, Dean. It doesn’t really change anything.”

We’ll have to find out if Cas had the heart to tell him later, because now we’re back inside the hospital where my nightmares are being realized. Sam is twitching in pain as the scary orderly electrocutes him. BUT NEVER FEAR! Cas appears (in his trench coat, I might add) and smites that motherfucker good. He shuts off the machine, takes the electric crap off of Sam’s face, and tells him he never should have “broken Sam’s wall” (whatdoesthatmean) and he’s here to make things right. Cas strikes the traditional angel-mojo pose with his hand on Sam’s forehead, then frowns when he realizes it’s not working. A shot from Sam’s POV shows that when Sam looks at Cas he only sees Lucifer. What an unspeakably horrible fate, to never be able to see Castiel’s beautiful face. “You’re not real,” Sam says exhaustedly. “Oh, Sam, I’m so sorry,” Cas says sadly. Great time to think about some products you might like to buy!

Still laying on the gurney, Sam sees Lucifer reading “The Three Little Pigs” to him. Yikes. Cas tells Dean that basically Sam’s brain is totally wrecked and this isn’t something he can just make disappear, but it suddenly occurs to him that he may be able to transfer it. He assures Dean that he’ll be fine, a weird thing to say, I think, given what he plans to do, then sits down next to poor, crazy/possessed Sam, who flinches in fear since, you know, everybody just looks like Lucifer to him. Cas gives a heartfelt apology that is lost on Sam, who just sees Lucifer in a dumb doctor costume, then puts his hand on Sam’s forehead and works some magic. Red glowy stuff flows out of Sam’s head, through Cas’ arm and into his head. Suddenly alert again, Sam says, “Cas, is that you?” Tragically, instead of seeing Sam, Cas sees Lucifer, who says, “Hello, brother.” Aw, man, I forgot those two are technically brothers. I’m sorry everyone in your family sucks but you, Cas. Presumably thinking about all the wedgies, noogies and Indian burns he’s in for, Cas reacts with terror and backs away until he’s pressed up against the wall, looking like the saddest puppy to ever appear in one of those Sarah McLaughlin ads.

Outside the hospital, Dean tells Sam that they can’t leave Cas alone and can’t take him with them, since so many demons are after him. There is a brief shot of Cas sitting on a bed in hospital scrubs, staring into space, and my heart breaks into a million tiny little pieces. I hope I don’t die and come back as a ghost, because somebody’s going to have to find all those damn pieces in order send me on to the next life. Then it occurs to me, there’s no way they can leave Castiel like this for too long. I mean, the man will never age, and I think after he’s been looking thirty-five for thirty years or so the hospital staff might start to get suspicious. Dean mentions that all the demons who know Emanuel is actually Cas are dead now, to which Sam replies, “Except one.” Sam then points out that teaming up with Meg is a really dumb idea. Dean insists that it’s not, for reasons that are still unclear to me.

Back inside the hospital, the doctor from earlier is conducting a job interview. “Why do you want to join our staff?” he asks. The camera pans around and IT’S MEG THAT HE’S INTERVIEWING! Buh-buh-buh she’s not a registered nurse! She says that she just wants to watch over the patients. “Welcome to the team, Nurse Masters,” says the doctor, shaking her hand. As the credits role, I am beyond pissed that Supernatural went out on this note. I suffer from a condition where the last thing I see in an episode of Supernatural is the only thing I can think about until the next episode airs, you see, and now I’m gonna have Meg in my brain all week! I guess this still isn’t as bad as the time I had Lucifer saying, “Good morning Viet Nam,” in my brain all winter break, but things could be better.

So, is anybody ever going to tell Cas’s wife where he went?

EDIT: It has come to my attention that this post as I first published it was completely free of lists. This is, of course, a travesty, but I’m here to make things right. With each recap I post, I’m going to include a list that in some way ties in with the episode. Since “The Born-Again Identity” heavily featured Meg and Lucifer, two of my very least favorite Supernatural characters, I thought I’d use this week’s list to get on record which of the show’s other characters I could do without.

The 10 Worst Recurring Supernatural Characters

10. Agent Victor Henricksen – The basic idea of an FBI agent who’s set on capturing the Winchesters sounds like it would be fun to watch. If only the show had taken this character in more of a Peter Burke from White Collar-type direction and less of an entertainment-sucking direction, we’d be in business.

9. Ruby – This girl spent a long, long time delivering lines that seemed like they were supposed to be clever but that actually just fell flat. Then she died and it seemed like we were rid of her, but then she came back in the body of an even worse actress (sorry, Gen!) and really outstayed her welcome. At least she’s good and dead now!

8. Raphael – Honestly, I don’t really remember anything about Raphael’s personality or stance on any issues. I do remember that every time he popped up on screen, I thought, ‘Yay! Bathroom break!’

7. Gordon Walker – All this dumb jerk does is say stuff about how monsters are bad and how Sam’s evil. One of those things I knew already, the other one is untrue. Both are sentiments commonly expressed by a wide variety of characters in the Supernatural universe. A truly useless character.

6. Uriel – I don’t care what Castiel says, this guy is not the funniest of all the angels. He’s fourth AT BEST, and this is not a funny crew.

5. Lucifer – I think I’ve already said my piece about this guy.

4. Meg Masters – Ditto.

3. Eve – Probably the worst season villain in a show that, for all its good qualities, comes up with some awful season plots. I still don’t know what she was. Was she supposed to be Eve of Adam and Eve fame, or was she some other Eve who could be referred to as the “Mother of All?” I know I just asked that question, but I truly do not care about the answer. In fact, I never want to think about Eve again.

2. Samuel Campbell – This guy started out as a standard gruff dad type, then came back from the dead for some reason and started trying to bring Mary back to life for some reason. Samuel is just one more reason that season 6 needn’t have bothered.

1. Alastair – I mean, come on, his voice alone makes  watching him an ordeal. He sounds like a bad Marlon Brando impersonator with a cold. For all we know, he tortures his victims solely by reading to them out of the phone book. I know an hour of that’d be enough to drive me insane.

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3 Comments

Filed under Recaps, Television

3 responses to “Supernatural Recap: “The Born-Again Identity”

  1. lennyburnham

    In my defense, I did not actually say “ew” and sometimes a handsome guy looks like a gross guy.

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